hi.

"hi seems easy.

hi is everything.

It is how everything starts."

Dear diary, 

I'm as confused as him. Overthink over unnecessary things are useless and unhealthy. I live with it everyday so I do believe I've a slight side of depression. My eyes can't be controlled. It's like a fcking dam when it's full it just flood like its monsoon. I've no idea why.. Feeling sick of swollen eyes when I wake up, sick of feeling aggressive over little things, sick of keeping in, sick of everyone (but I know I still love them). See? This is my fcking problem. I want and need it to stop before one day I do get depression and die with everything inside of me. Please.

J.

lost somewhere.

dear diary,

I'm here and it's been awhile. I'm back in nz and I have no idea what is wrong with me. I just feel lost and maybe a little bit sad? The thing is I don't even know what am i really feeling. I'm glad that I have him by my side most of the time, I'm glad he is willing to spend more than 400 days with me, I'm glad I have him... However whenever I'm at home or alone out there I feel like I have no one else. It's like I'm just another person walking pass down the street like how I see any other strangers with no one beside them. I have really low self-esteem and to be honest I have more confident than before like way more.. Thing is I think he has changed me to a better person and I'm too attached which is like it's a good or a bad thing? I have no idea what is wrong with me. I'm feeling so lonely and I have no idea who to talk to, as if I have nobody that can talk to. like when I'm sad I have no one else. I'm just sitting on my bed typing all my feelings out it's like the old times again.
I'm lost and I need to be better than this.

someone please exists and spend your time with me.
J.

no one should be left behind.

18122013.

That voice you woken up by...

It's mum telling sis that dads not able to send you to work, cause of stomachache and I thought it is nothing until I see the look at his face. He seems lost, miserable but STRONG. One thing that I love about dad is, no matter how tired or worry he is, he's always strong. Not just physically but you can feel him mentally too is strong. A guy who has survived in this world for almost half a century and feeling something is not right... Without any slight doubt and drive his car to the hospital. That pain must hurt or else he could've hold on to the ache and act like nothing has happened. 

I believe he will be fine, I believe he is the superman that love inside of me, I believe this is just a small matter and I believe he just need some break from this whole year, he will definitely stay strong although it is just some kind of rock in his kidney. I should have faith in him and I will be strong because. He taught me how,

I love you dad.

J.

The day has come.

The night, the look, the expression, the feeling, the gesture, the everything... Just everything of her has come to an end. A full stop.

30/11/2013 

She waited until everyone to get home and everyone who's apart of the current generations are all there. I remember the way she opened her eyes, just to look at me... It wasn't force, it was willingness and satisfaction. The very last few moments that she had was just to have a meal with her grandchildren, that moment where all of us just sit around her bed and talk our future like she will get through, that moment where she closed her eyes just to feel the touch of ours on her... Those little moments were the best, the best memory she left with us. 

I can still feel her, she seems to be still around, just like that... Lying on her bed, asking us to keep it down and wake up with a cup of warm drink waiting for you. She was precious and she will always be around in my heart, my memory and my life.

Grandma, Per Peh you will be loved. ☺

J.

dear you.

dear diary,
I just realize people change to become who they really are. They dont change they just really becoming who they are and bringing their own identity to you. As they become who they are, you may the one who realize what or who is good to you. That moment you do realize, things changed and often it changed to worse. Thanks my friend for bringing me up and down. No matter what you do now don't really matter and I do not care now. Sometimes, caring less has nothing to compare with.

J.

Yours.

Dear diary,

No one wants to be left behind. No one wants to be the second choice. No one wants to be waken. No one wants to carry worries to sleep. No one wants to wonder and worry. No one wants to give a fuck. No one wants to live with a baggage behind them. No one wants the shit the past leave. No one wants them.

Do you even understand how hard is it to live up a live with so much worries and thoughts every night in your sleep. Do you even know how does it feel to be fully in love emotionally. Do you even know how does it feels to be cared by someone. Do you even know no matter how hard you try things just don't work the way you want it to.

At the end of the day, you just wish someone will just be there for you no matter what. Someone who will listen. Someone who will care. Someone who never leave. Someone who loves. Someone who is willing to help. Just someone.

Life can never be better. Every since primary until uni... I spent my whole life just to find someone who willing to stay and simply be a true friend yet no one. No one has ever been here. I've lived my life for almost 19 years and I have no friends and  to be honest I don't trust people anymore.Every time when I started to trust that relationship things just gone wrong. Where's the true friends they talked about? Where's the people who's willing to stay when you do?

Yours,

J.

Future?

So it's been awhile since I last came he and tell you about how have I been...

Dear diary,

Here I am and this time it's no more about relationship. It's more about myself with what I expect myself to be. However I realize what you expect or wish will not always be here for you unless you actually work for you... I guess everyone knows about this - if you work hard you'll get what you want but no one does it. No one actually follows what's right. I always wanted to be a photographer and actually when I think about it there's something is pulling me back. I want to but I will not be able to, I'm not as good as any others but you gotta work hard for it. The thing is people often say there's no future to be a photographer and I accept it. I change my dream, to study a degree which is more of what I like - urban planning. But no I'm not good enough too and I didn't get into what I wish and I swear I did worked hard for it. Things are just too hard and maybe things are just not never easy when its easy there might be some problem with it. I'm worried. I'm worried about my future as what if I can't get into what I really want and I didn't get what I wish to have. I want more of what I want I don't want to just dream. No one wants to just dream about dreams but getting nothing from it. 

And I'm here to say I really have to work hard and that last semester I think I've wasted it but this sem I'm really trying my best to choose what I like just in case I can't get into BPlan I will have a chance to continue BA. I know it's not enough with what I dad expect from me. I really want to show what I'm capable of and I really want him to understand that I'm trying my best not just wasting my time and the amount of money he's spending on me.

Please I need someone to understands and supports me. 

Thanks for listening diary.

J.