Yours.

Dear diary,

No one wants to be left behind. No one wants to be the second choice. No one wants to be waken. No one wants to carry worries to sleep. No one wants to wonder and worry. No one wants to give a fuck. No one wants to live with a baggage behind them. No one wants the shit the past leave. No one wants them.

Do you even understand how hard is it to live up a live with so much worries and thoughts every night in your sleep. Do you even know how does it feel to be fully in love emotionally. Do you even know how does it feels to be cared by someone. Do you even know no matter how hard you try things just don't work the way you want it to.

At the end of the day, you just wish someone will just be there for you no matter what. Someone who will listen. Someone who will care. Someone who never leave. Someone who loves. Someone who is willing to help. Just someone.

Life can never be better. Every since primary until uni... I spent my whole life just to find someone who willing to stay and simply be a true friend yet no one. No one has ever been here. I've lived my life for almost 19 years and I have no friends and  to be honest I don't trust people anymore.Every time when I started to trust that relationship things just gone wrong. Where's the true friends they talked about? Where's the people who's willing to stay when you do?

Yours,

J.

Future?

So it's been awhile since I last came he and tell you about how have I been...

Dear diary,

Here I am and this time it's no more about relationship. It's more about myself with what I expect myself to be. However I realize what you expect or wish will not always be here for you unless you actually work for you... I guess everyone knows about this - if you work hard you'll get what you want but no one does it. No one actually follows what's right. I always wanted to be a photographer and actually when I think about it there's something is pulling me back. I want to but I will not be able to, I'm not as good as any others but you gotta work hard for it. The thing is people often say there's no future to be a photographer and I accept it. I change my dream, to study a degree which is more of what I like - urban planning. But no I'm not good enough too and I didn't get into what I wish and I swear I did worked hard for it. Things are just too hard and maybe things are just not never easy when its easy there might be some problem with it. I'm worried. I'm worried about my future as what if I can't get into what I really want and I didn't get what I wish to have. I want more of what I want I don't want to just dream. No one wants to just dream about dreams but getting nothing from it. 

And I'm here to say I really have to work hard and that last semester I think I've wasted it but this sem I'm really trying my best to choose what I like just in case I can't get into BPlan I will have a chance to continue BA. I know it's not enough with what I dad expect from me. I really want to show what I'm capable of and I really want him to understand that I'm trying my best not just wasting my time and the amount of money he's spending on me.

Please I need someone to understands and supports me. 

Thanks for listening diary.

J.

Feelings.

Dear diary,
He's probably the most confusing person I've ever met. Maybe that's why I want him more, he keeps me interested. I need him more and more everyday I sometimes get so angry with his late texts and just every time I wanted to get angry he replied. It's like he's doing it on purpose as he can see what's in my mind. Just weird but I can never get angry of him. I tried my hardest not to be annoying with his late texts and just the time I reply I couldn't get my temper up it gets down right away. Is like a cure to get my temper. I love this guy but I don't know how to show it. I feel weird telling him all my stuff. I feel weird when he's trying to tell me something and I don't get it. I feel weird when he's doing stuff in public. I feel like I don't get myself and him too. I thought I do but now I don't think so. I feel like I'm annoying him with the speed I reply him. I feel like I'm nothing to him. I feel like he's wasting time on me. I feel like he deserves better.
It's been more than two months and we hasn't gone on a date for almost a month now. I miss the dates. I miss our talks. I miss having each other around when we are awake. I feel miserable. I feel weird. I feel annoyed with myself.
I'm weird.

J.

Worries.

Dear diary,
I'm sorry I'm here again when I'm suppose to be with my bed but I'm worry.
We did it again my Friday it was a little too intense and next day Carmen realize he's in my room and bruises on my neck. The kisses he kissed, the bruises he left all got to be seen by the mum. And just within a night things changed. How I wish no one knows just like how we started the relationship where things are a little simpler. So mum knows and until today bro knows. The family basically knows but their reaction is not what I expected. From mum, "why did you get together is it because you wanted a boyfriend?" ; from William, "you disgusted me you both disgusted me," from Carmen, "is good to hav a boyfriend but having James as yours is just weird and very disgusting." . Just like that these comments let me think a little. Maybe we are disgusting maybe we are not suitable for each other mayb we are just not as good as we thought we would be, within two weeks and so many people know about us and I'm really annoyed about it. Especially when the fam knows. I cannot imagine when his family knows about it. The comment might just be I'm disgusted by you two. Why. It's weird.
I never tell any of these to him cause I know he will be worry about It more than me. If I didn't ask him to sleep with me in Friday night. Things would be so much easier just wish time could turn back and let me re do thing. I hate myself now. I feel sad, just fucked like the old days where fam are not standing by my side like they normally do. Just maybe I should give up or mayb not taking any risk. I hate my life.

Two months.

Dear diary,
It's been two months. We've got together for two months today. I texted him and he replied just like what we usually do. But two months shouldn't something happen somehow? Let me talk for a bit... Uni start at 8 and I finished at 9. How great and waited for them to give blood together around 11ish. Gave blood for like two hours I guess cz of the waiting. I saw him and we've no special reactions maybe cause everyone is there like R Dur and Selina but how I wish he can just hug me tight as I follow to hug him tighter. It didn't happen. Nothing actually happened. So I waited for Selina to do the blood test then she left to library and I not to find the group. It's funny how I lost the old *besties* and now I'm with the boyfriends group. Is not a bad thing maybe. Anyway, so after meeting them I decided to stay until 2 for Murf but the actual reason is I thought he would do something. Yet nothing happened... We sat next to each other no holding hands just sit and talk. I'm not sure is he tired or what but I felt like... I felt like I'm annoying him this week. He might b tired from the long days(I told myself that) from uni. Just maybe we've been meeting up so often we might be sick of each other.
One thing I realized throughout this two months is I fall for him more and more but I'm not sure about him. He means a lot to me now and mayb I didn't show it but hey I hope he knows. I feel bad for him... Having me as his girlfriend might not be a good combination. I'm not pretty, not smart, not skinny, not cheesy... I only know how to dream big but no effort is being put out. I'm eighteen and i don't know what I'm like.
Please let this me an over thinking post. Wouldn't want anything bad happen between us just cause I love him more than you can imagine now.
Bless me.

J.

attempting.

dear diary,
here I am again and hey I'm feeling so tired not in tired tired but actually feeling tired from doing too much stuff. As I mentioned last night, we had a party with the same good o people. Before party went to karaoke with them... for the first time. w/ steven, danny, arthur, the twins, Christina, dylan, paul and boyfriend. It was actually average but party was awesme. drank heaps with Julie and Kevin joining us after. I should say this party is not as crazy but I enjoyed it. Catherine was drunk and Paul was stoned and Steven was on high. This is just so attempting to watch. Took care of her in study room with paul him and Julie. we were just helpless but at least we were there for her. after awhile we got tired and she finally settled.
Get to the point, we cuddled yes without anything to be cared. from study room to my room. We cuddled and cuddled and there it happens. He kissed and I bit his lips and I smiled everytime i bite him. that feeling is just melting. I love this guy and I assume he loves me back? Well, then we got to the point where our body is not listening to our heard. Just like John Green's "Looking For Alaska"... theres no layer between us after awhile. I felt his everything so close to me and we kissed again and again. The neck kissing to my chest and there we go the bottom attempt. from 4 layers to 3 and to no layers I touched his body he grabbed mine and just like we've tried it before. I was tired after the first half hour and I thought we were going to end just like that but that guy just couldnt stop and it continues for quite long. From top to the bottom. O boy, never thought he would do these stuff but it was good. I felt good about it although i got bruises everywhere and I think he was hard and he hit me hard. just above my vagina it hurts when i touched it. I dont know how it happens but after all the dry sex was <3 i loved it but I dont think he did. that kiss was awful I dont know how to kiss really. I suck at this and if theres a chance I will not even move and let him do the job.
we will hav a better night.
thanks diary.

J.

Before happiness ends.

Dear diary,
Is the last Thursday night to spend with u without any worries and stress from studies. Holiday is coming to an ending and no I'm not ready for anything. The new year came just like that, the v day past just like that and the cny just gone like that... Now the holiday is coming to this end without any alert other than the fact that uni is actually coming ahead. Cannot believe it and I am not ready for it at all. Uni. Another new life to spend in the new environment it somehow remind me of the last time I first came to nz for college. Worries and stressful over the little stuff.
Diary, I didn't over think today maybe because the friends are around and I enjoy it somehow although I didn't talk to them at all. It was just relaxing listening to them and realize... "Hey, this is what it means when you feel what people around you feel like." Party tomorrow and I can't wait to see boyfriend again. Didn't talk much to him but those touching n stuff just aaaaaa. <3 tomorrow will be better. :) before the enjoyment and happiness without stress is gone.

J.