no one should be left behind.

18122013.

That voice you woken up by...

It's mum telling sis that dads not able to send you to work, cause of stomachache and I thought it is nothing until I see the look at his face. He seems lost, miserable but STRONG. One thing that I love about dad is, no matter how tired or worry he is, he's always strong. Not just physically but you can feel him mentally too is strong. A guy who has survived in this world for almost half a century and feeling something is not right... Without any slight doubt and drive his car to the hospital. That pain must hurt or else he could've hold on to the ache and act like nothing has happened. 

I believe he will be fine, I believe he is the superman that love inside of me, I believe this is just a small matter and I believe he just need some break from this whole year, he will definitely stay strong although it is just some kind of rock in his kidney. I should have faith in him and I will be strong because. He taught me how,

I love you dad.

J.

The day has come.

The night, the look, the expression, the feeling, the gesture, the everything... Just everything of her has come to an end. A full stop.

30/11/2013 

She waited until everyone to get home and everyone who's apart of the current generations are all there. I remember the way she opened her eyes, just to look at me... It wasn't force, it was willingness and satisfaction. The very last few moments that she had was just to have a meal with her grandchildren, that moment where all of us just sit around her bed and talk our future like she will get through, that moment where she closed her eyes just to feel the touch of ours on her... Those little moments were the best, the best memory she left with us. 

I can still feel her, she seems to be still around, just like that... Lying on her bed, asking us to keep it down and wake up with a cup of warm drink waiting for you. She was precious and she will always be around in my heart, my memory and my life.

Grandma, Per Peh you will be loved. ☺

J.

dear you.

dear diary,
I just realize people change to become who they really are. They dont change they just really becoming who they are and bringing their own identity to you. As they become who they are, you may the one who realize what or who is good to you. That moment you do realize, things changed and often it changed to worse. Thanks my friend for bringing me up and down. No matter what you do now don't really matter and I do not care now. Sometimes, caring less has nothing to compare with.

J.

Yours.

Dear diary,

No one wants to be left behind. No one wants to be the second choice. No one wants to be waken. No one wants to carry worries to sleep. No one wants to wonder and worry. No one wants to give a fuck. No one wants to live with a baggage behind them. No one wants the shit the past leave. No one wants them.

Do you even understand how hard is it to live up a live with so much worries and thoughts every night in your sleep. Do you even know how does it feel to be fully in love emotionally. Do you even know how does it feels to be cared by someone. Do you even know no matter how hard you try things just don't work the way you want it to.

At the end of the day, you just wish someone will just be there for you no matter what. Someone who will listen. Someone who will care. Someone who never leave. Someone who loves. Someone who is willing to help. Just someone.

Life can never be better. Every since primary until uni... I spent my whole life just to find someone who willing to stay and simply be a true friend yet no one. No one has ever been here. I've lived my life for almost 19 years and I have no friends and  to be honest I don't trust people anymore.Every time when I started to trust that relationship things just gone wrong. Where's the true friends they talked about? Where's the people who's willing to stay when you do?

Yours,

J.

Future?

So it's been awhile since I last came he and tell you about how have I been...

Dear diary,

Here I am and this time it's no more about relationship. It's more about myself with what I expect myself to be. However I realize what you expect or wish will not always be here for you unless you actually work for you... I guess everyone knows about this - if you work hard you'll get what you want but no one does it. No one actually follows what's right. I always wanted to be a photographer and actually when I think about it there's something is pulling me back. I want to but I will not be able to, I'm not as good as any others but you gotta work hard for it. The thing is people often say there's no future to be a photographer and I accept it. I change my dream, to study a degree which is more of what I like - urban planning. But no I'm not good enough too and I didn't get into what I wish and I swear I did worked hard for it. Things are just too hard and maybe things are just not never easy when its easy there might be some problem with it. I'm worried. I'm worried about my future as what if I can't get into what I really want and I didn't get what I wish to have. I want more of what I want I don't want to just dream. No one wants to just dream about dreams but getting nothing from it. 

And I'm here to say I really have to work hard and that last semester I think I've wasted it but this sem I'm really trying my best to choose what I like just in case I can't get into BPlan I will have a chance to continue BA. I know it's not enough with what I dad expect from me. I really want to show what I'm capable of and I really want him to understand that I'm trying my best not just wasting my time and the amount of money he's spending on me.

Please I need someone to understands and supports me. 

Thanks for listening diary.

J.

Feelings.

Dear diary,
He's probably the most confusing person I've ever met. Maybe that's why I want him more, he keeps me interested. I need him more and more everyday I sometimes get so angry with his late texts and just every time I wanted to get angry he replied. It's like he's doing it on purpose as he can see what's in my mind. Just weird but I can never get angry of him. I tried my hardest not to be annoying with his late texts and just the time I reply I couldn't get my temper up it gets down right away. Is like a cure to get my temper. I love this guy but I don't know how to show it. I feel weird telling him all my stuff. I feel weird when he's trying to tell me something and I don't get it. I feel weird when he's doing stuff in public. I feel like I don't get myself and him too. I thought I do but now I don't think so. I feel like I'm annoying him with the speed I reply him. I feel like I'm nothing to him. I feel like he's wasting time on me. I feel like he deserves better.
It's been more than two months and we hasn't gone on a date for almost a month now. I miss the dates. I miss our talks. I miss having each other around when we are awake. I feel miserable. I feel weird. I feel annoyed with myself.
I'm weird.

J.

Worries.

Dear diary,
I'm sorry I'm here again when I'm suppose to be with my bed but I'm worry.
We did it again my Friday it was a little too intense and next day Carmen realize he's in my room and bruises on my neck. The kisses he kissed, the bruises he left all got to be seen by the mum. And just within a night things changed. How I wish no one knows just like how we started the relationship where things are a little simpler. So mum knows and until today bro knows. The family basically knows but their reaction is not what I expected. From mum, "why did you get together is it because you wanted a boyfriend?" ; from William, "you disgusted me you both disgusted me," from Carmen, "is good to hav a boyfriend but having James as yours is just weird and very disgusting." . Just like that these comments let me think a little. Maybe we are disgusting maybe we are not suitable for each other mayb we are just not as good as we thought we would be, within two weeks and so many people know about us and I'm really annoyed about it. Especially when the fam knows. I cannot imagine when his family knows about it. The comment might just be I'm disgusted by you two. Why. It's weird.
I never tell any of these to him cause I know he will be worry about It more than me. If I didn't ask him to sleep with me in Friday night. Things would be so much easier just wish time could turn back and let me re do thing. I hate myself now. I feel sad, just fucked like the old days where fam are not standing by my side like they normally do. Just maybe I should give up or mayb not taking any risk. I hate my life.