Wednesday 18 December 2013

no one should be left behind.

18122013.
That voice you woken up by...
It's mum telling sis that dads not able to send you to work, cause of stomachache and I thought it is nothing until I see the look at his face. He seems lost, miserable but STRONG. One thing that I love about dad is, no matter how tired or worry he is, he's always strong. Not just physically but you can feel him mentally too is strong. A guy who has survived in this world for almost half a century and feeling something is not right... Without any slight doubt and drive his car to the hospital. That pain must hurt or else he could've hold on to the ache and act like nothing has happened. 
I believe he will be fine, I believe he is the superman that love inside of me, I believe this is just a small matter and I believe he just need some break from this whole year, he will definitely stay strong although it is just some kind of rock in his kidney. I should have faith in him and I will be strong because. He taught me how,

I love you dad.
J.

Friday 13 December 2013

The day has come.

The night, the look, the expression, the feeling, the gesture, the everything... Just everything of her has come to an end. A full stop.
30/11/2013 
She waited until everyone to get home and everyone who's apart of the current generations are all there. I remember the way she opened her eyes, just to look at me... It wasn't force, it was willingness and satisfaction. The very last few moments that she had was just to have a meal with her grandchildren, that moment where all of us just sit around her bed and talk our future like she will get through, that moment where she closed her eyes just to feel the touch of ours on her... Those little moments were the best, the best memory she left with us. 
I can still feel her, she seems to be still around, just like that... Lying on her bed, asking us to keep it down and wake up with a cup of warm drink waiting for you. She was precious and she will always be around in my heart, my memory and my life.

Grandma, Per Peh you will be loved. ☺

J.

Friday 4 October 2013

dear you.

dear diary,
I just realize people change to become who they really are. They dont change they just really becoming who they are and bringing their own identity to you. As they become who they are, you may the one who realize what or who is good to you. That moment you do realize, things changed and often it changed to worse. Thanks my friend for bringing me up and down. No matter what you do now don't really matter and I do not care now. Sometimes, caring less has nothing to compare with.

J.

Monday 26 August 2013

Yours.

Dear diary,
No one wants to be left behind. No one wants to be the second choice. No one wants to be waken. No one wants to carry worries to sleep. No one wants to wonder and worry. No one wants to give a fuck. No one wants to live with a baggage behind them. No one wants the shit the past leave. No one wants them.
Do you even understand how hard is it to live up a live with so much worries and thoughts every night in your sleep. Do you even know how does it feel to be fully in love emotionally. Do you even know how does it feels to be cared by someone. Do you even know no matter how hard you try things just don't work the way you want it to.
At the end of the day, you just wish someone will just be there for you no matter what. Someone who will listen. Someone who will care. Someone who never leave. Someone who loves. Someone who is willing to help. Just someone.
Life can never be better. Every since primary until uni... I spent my whole life just to find someone who willing to stay and simply be a true friend yet no one. No one has ever been here. I've lived my life for almost 19 years and I have no friends and  to be honest I don't trust people anymore.Every time when I started to trust that relationship things just gone wrong. Where's the true friends they talked about? Where's the people who's willing to stay when you do?

Yours,
J.

Monday 15 July 2013

Future?

So it's been awhile since I last came he and tell you about how have I been...

Dear diary,
Here I am and this time it's no more about relationship. It's more about myself with what I expect myself to be. However I realize what you expect or wish will not always be here for you unless you actually work for you... I guess everyone knows about this - if you work hard you'll get what you want but no one does it. No one actually follows what's right. I always wanted to be a photographer and actually when I think about it there's something is pulling me back. I want to but I will not be able to, I'm not as good as any others but you gotta work hard for it. The thing is people often say there's no future to be a photographer and I accept it. I change my dream, to study a degree which is more of what I like - urban planning. But no I'm not good enough too and I didn't get into what I wish and I swear I did worked hard for it. Things are just too hard and maybe things are just not never easy when its easy there might be some problem with it. I'm worried. I'm worried about my future as what if I can't get into what I really want and I didn't get what I wish to have. I want more of what I want I don't want to just dream. No one wants to just dream about dreams but getting nothing from it. 
And I'm here to say I really have to work hard and that last semester I think I've wasted it but this sem I'm really trying my best to choose what I like just in case I can't get into BPlan I will have a chance to continue BA. I know it's not enough with what I dad expect from me. I really want to show what I'm capable of and I really want him to understand that I'm trying my best not just wasting my time and the amount of money he's spending on me.
Please I need someone to understands and supports me. 
Thanks for listening diary.

J.

Saturday 23 March 2013

Feelings.

Dear diary,
He's probably the most confusing person I've ever met. Maybe that's why I want him more, he keeps me interested. I need him more and more everyday I sometimes get so angry with his late texts and just every time I wanted to get angry he replied. It's like he's doing it on purpose as he can see what's in my mind. Just weird but I can never get angry of him. I tried my hardest not to be annoying with his late texts and just the time I reply I couldn't get my temper up it gets down right away. Is like a cure to get my temper. I love this guy but I don't know how to show it. I feel weird telling him all my stuff. I feel weird when he's trying to tell me something and I don't get it. I feel weird when he's doing stuff in public. I feel like I don't get myself and him too. I thought I do but now I don't think so. I feel like I'm annoying him with the speed I reply him. I feel like I'm nothing to him. I feel like he's wasting time on me. I feel like he deserves better.
It's been more than two months and we hasn't gone on a date for almost a month now. I miss the dates. I miss our talks. I miss having each other around when we are awake. I feel miserable. I feel weird. I feel annoyed with myself.
I'm weird.

J.

Sunday 17 March 2013

Worries.

Dear diary,
I'm sorry I'm here again when I'm suppose to be with my bed but I'm worry.
We did it again my Friday it was a little too intense and next day Carmen realize he's in my room and bruises on my neck. The kisses he kissed, the bruises he left all got to be seen by the mum. And just within a night things changed. How I wish no one knows just like how we started the relationship where things are a little simpler. So mum knows and until today bro knows. The family basically knows but their reaction is not what I expected. From mum, "why did you get together is it because you wanted a boyfriend?" ; from William, "you disgusted me you both disgusted me," from Carmen, "is good to hav a boyfriend but having James as yours is just weird and very disgusting." . Just like that these comments let me think a little. Maybe we are disgusting maybe we are not suitable for each other mayb we are just not as good as we thought we would be, within two weeks and so many people know about us and I'm really annoyed about it. Especially when the fam knows. I cannot imagine when his family knows about it. The comment might just be I'm disgusted by you two. Why. It's weird.
I never tell any of these to him cause I know he will be worry about It more than me. If I didn't ask him to sleep with me in Friday night. Things would be so much easier just wish time could turn back and let me re do thing. I hate myself now. I feel sad, just fucked like the old days where fam are not standing by my side like they normally do. Just maybe I should give up or mayb not taking any risk. I hate my life.

Wednesday 13 March 2013

Two months.

Dear diary,
It's been two months. We've got together for two months today. I texted him and he replied just like what we usually do. But two months shouldn't something happen somehow? Let me talk for a bit... Uni start at 8 and I finished at 9. How great and waited for them to give blood together around 11ish. Gave blood for like two hours I guess cz of the waiting. I saw him and we've no special reactions maybe cause everyone is there like R Dur and Selina but how I wish he can just hug me tight as I follow to hug him tighter. It didn't happen. Nothing actually happened. So I waited for Selina to do the blood test then she left to library and I not to find the group. It's funny how I lost the old *besties* and now I'm with the boyfriends group. Is not a bad thing maybe. Anyway, so after meeting them I decided to stay until 2 for Murf but the actual reason is I thought he would do something. Yet nothing happened... We sat next to each other no holding hands just sit and talk. I'm not sure is he tired or what but I felt like... I felt like I'm annoying him this week. He might b tired from the long days(I told myself that) from uni. Just maybe we've been meeting up so often we might be sick of each other.
One thing I realized throughout this two months is I fall for him more and more but I'm not sure about him. He means a lot to me now and mayb I didn't show it but hey I hope he knows. I feel bad for him... Having me as his girlfriend might not be a good combination. I'm not pretty, not smart, not skinny, not cheesy... I only know how to dream big but no effort is being put out. I'm eighteen and i don't know what I'm like.
Please let this me an over thinking post. Wouldn't want anything bad happen between us just cause I love him more than you can imagine now.
Bless me.

J.

Saturday 2 March 2013

attempting.

dear diary,
here I am again and hey I'm feeling so tired not in tired tired but actually feeling tired from doing too much stuff. As I mentioned last night, we had a party with the same good o people. Before party went to karaoke with them... for the first time. w/ steven, danny, arthur, the twins, Christina, dylan, paul and boyfriend. It was actually average but party was awesme. drank heaps with Julie and Kevin joining us after. I should say this party is not as crazy but I enjoyed it. Catherine was drunk and Paul was stoned and Steven was on high. This is just so attempting to watch. Took care of her in study room with paul him and Julie. we were just helpless but at least we were there for her. after awhile we got tired and she finally settled.
Get to the point, we cuddled yes without anything to be cared. from study room to my room. We cuddled and cuddled and there it happens. He kissed and I bit his lips and I smiled everytime i bite him. that feeling is just melting. I love this guy and I assume he loves me back? Well, then we got to the point where our body is not listening to our heard. Just like John Green's "Looking For Alaska"... theres no layer between us after awhile. I felt his everything so close to me and we kissed again and again. The neck kissing to my chest and there we go the bottom attempt. from 4 layers to 3 and to no layers I touched his body he grabbed mine and just like we've tried it before. I was tired after the first half hour and I thought we were going to end just like that but that guy just couldnt stop and it continues for quite long. From top to the bottom. O boy, never thought he would do these stuff but it was good. I felt good about it although i got bruises everywhere and I think he was hard and he hit me hard. just above my vagina it hurts when i touched it. I dont know how it happens but after all the dry sex was <3 i loved it but I dont think he did. that kiss was awful I dont know how to kiss really. I suck at this and if theres a chance I will not even move and let him do the job.
we will hav a better night.
thanks diary.

J.

Thursday 28 February 2013

Before happiness ends.

Dear diary,
Is the last Thursday night to spend with u without any worries and stress from studies. Holiday is coming to an ending and no I'm not ready for anything. The new year came just like that, the v day past just like that and the cny just gone like that... Now the holiday is coming to this end without any alert other than the fact that uni is actually coming ahead. Cannot believe it and I am not ready for it at all. Uni. Another new life to spend in the new environment it somehow remind me of the last time I first came to nz for college. Worries and stressful over the little stuff.
Diary, I didn't over think today maybe because the friends are around and I enjoy it somehow although I didn't talk to them at all. It was just relaxing listening to them and realize... "Hey, this is what it means when you feel what people around you feel like." Party tomorrow and I can't wait to see boyfriend again. Didn't talk much to him but those touching n stuff just aaaaaa. <3 tomorrow will be better. :) before the enjoyment and happiness without stress is gone.

J.

Monday 25 February 2013

A lot.

Dear diary,
I'm back from Msia yesterday and I realize life is so hard when you have no money from that trip. From wanting health, better life and less worries are to be dine by money. So I got back and boyfriend went to the beach day out with the bunch and the twins along. Well, to be honest I wanted to go but I feel weird n bad about myself since last night dinner. I really did gained a lot of weigh but hey saying a person fat wouldn't entertain anyone else better. The movie night... Wasn't being invited by the host so yea... Anyway, got to meet him yesterday and sort of did hug I should say. :) until today the day out until the movie and now his battery is dead; I realize how much I miss him. I miss his hugs, his breath, his talks and just everything. I love him and I really do but I've a feeling everytime I look at Bea's photo. Why me? Why not her and does he really love me as much as I do? Been a month now we didn't actually meet up and be together. I miss every date that we had. I miss that boy.

J.

Thursday 14 February 2013

Just another day.

Dear diary,
It's been almost two weeks since I got back I don't feel any better. Like yesterday... Hang out with the sis's friends and I was totally alright at first until hh said you should follow your friends. Then I realize what I thought wasn't always right. Sometimes you just gotta pull back some old friends together act like you're really well. Lets just say I've never been this depressed in my life. I hardly can find anyone to talk to as in share whatever I want. I really don't have friends. Every time I thought I will be alright things never work out. Last time was high expectation this time no expectations at all just the thoughts are some comments from the others. I don't mind people saying I don't have any friends because I know is the truth I just wanted to let them know I'm not begging them to be my friends. Why please when you can do it yourself?
Anyway, it is still v day and for the first v day I've my valentine but he's not around. He wrote me a *letter* and I've no idea how to react or reply. I mean I'm glad and he made me fall into him more than more but I feel bad. He said he doesn't mind how my appearance is but hey. there's no guys would rather date a girl who's fat and dumb. I feel bad for being his girlfriend if he opens up this relationship. I love him from the bottom of my heart but I'm scare.
- I am not cheesy enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough, not friendly enough, not helpful enough and just not enough. Nobody's perfect but hey no one wants a person who has so many weird habits.

Happy valentines day, diary.
Is just another day I spend with my blog and wishing someone will come around.

J.

Thursday 31 January 2013

back in town.

dear diary,

It's been so long since I came by and tell you what I've been through. I'm back in the old town and I feel weird coming back. I felt like coming back into a place where I dont belong. Felt unwelcomed and I really do hate coming back to Malaysia as I see how many friends the sis has and compare to mine I'm just like nothing. I should say I'm always no one's friend. Frankly, I just feel unwanted every single time I see how many friends she has. Couldn't even find a person to talk about it and I mean I really want to share it but things arent just what you wanted to be. Well, it's been 3 days and now I'm still home taking care of grandma. Finger crossing for her and just wish she could be better. How I wish the boy will be here and cuddle with him. I really want to go back earlier to settle all the uni stuff and also just leave this place. A place where memories are being collected no matter how bad or good was it. An accompanied by an instrument mayb? now I wish I can have a ukulele just to let me relax a little or a book to let me waste my time on. Staying home with this weather just no no no... there's no where to go. there's nothing to do and I just wish mayb someone would care about me. I dont want to just stick with the sis and her friends. Someone please maybe come out and just talk a little? I miss home. I miss when I've nothing to think and nothing to be worried about. I wish I'm still in collage at least i get some test and works to work on. I miss home. I miss both home in some way but not in this condition.

Just maybe you can understand me.

J.

Friday 18 January 2013

The first date.

The first date

After the Saturday night. Finally things gone better than what I thought we would be. So I was suppose to go to strawberry picking with the sisters n bros but gotta work so decided to cancel it. I told him at the same time and he asked me out cz he had a cafe interview in the morning at Takapuna. I said yes and I took a bus to there. It was awkward at first I guess...
Then we had breakfast together, Starbucks and walked by the long as beach with the Doc on me and his jeans on. We were just chilling and just catching up like how best friends do although we text almost everyday. ;D while we were watching back he was trying to pull me down to the beach but I refuse and just like that we hold hands. It was pretty sweet I reckon. :) then walked to the bench we sat and chill and listen to the nature... Waves, birds and people. We just sat and relax with him beside me. For probably an hour then we walked to the other edge of the beach with rocks everywhere. Then there we go with the adventure experience walked out to the tip and found a wet stone to sat in. Inward as literally laying on his lap throughout. It was so comfortable and I loved it. ;3 we sat and chill again for almost 2hours then we took a bus home. He dropped off from the same bus from me and he walked me home. From Landsberg to the park behind. The walk was short but I was glad somehow I wish it won't end. Anyway, got to the park I was sitting down the slide and he was behind me. It was just like I want to cuddle with him 24/7. We sat and talked again it was just so sweet and I didn't want it to end at all but time ticks. Just like that got to 10 to 5 which mean I've got to work. Just at that moment he said I wish you could stay until 9 now. I was melted inside and of cz I didn't tell him about it. Heheeeeee. I'm actually happy that I've got him and he cares so much. :) I love the girlfriend and he's always mine. <3

It wasn't planned but it went well as for my first date of my life. ;)

J.

Sunday 13 January 2013

the girl with blue hair he said.

:)

dont just guess from the appearance.

just last night at almost the same time. Got back from gym for the first time went for a shower we talked. not like on phone just messaging and I told him Im gonna stayed up late for Selina's 18th wish and we carry on with our convo just like normal. He came out a question out of a sudden. It was about relationship stuff..
He started with Bea and while he was talking about her I'm not like upset, at that moment I felt like i dont even want to care but I did. Well sort of reply him with sarcasm. Then he came out this question about how many guy have you felt for so far and I answered then he asked what about just here? At that moment I just say what my heart and brain told me. 1 and 1 unsure so 2 I guess. Then he asked about Owen I told him the whole story and it was just so long that I dont even want to remember but he's not the one who I'm unsure of. Question back to him and he answered, 2.5? I was actually shocked cause from my memory he had fell for more girls than just 2. Where's the .5 came from? He's like he used to like her back then but for some reason he's not into her anymore. Then I was like what about now did you guys talk or anything.
At that moment I thought that girl was lucky and maybe she actually meant a lot to him? Cause according to him, shes a girl who means a lot to him. I did not ask who is she 'cause I'm afraid of knowing the truth. and I was wondering why he didnt take any move just ask does she like you back or not. He replied with heaps of stuff. not that I can remember he still did not mention the name. Just right there I told him to ask her and if you didnt ask you will never know.
just after I say it he said
"She's the girl with blue hair."

I smiled a little and shocked. Didnt expect this will actually happen just within this short conversation but I love it in some way. :) he said I'm the .5 and the one Im unsure off was him. We almost fell for each other at the same time I guess. The night before my birthday. The long talk we had, the movie night we watched and just everything about me and him. I am glad he told me or else I might just be here spending everyday and night waiting his reply on the texts and being a jelly for him talking to the girls.

However, right now I actually dont know what are we. We said good night last night and this morning we're like nothing happened? well that's just how I felt. should I ask him what are we right now or just carry on. I'm scare that I will lose him just cause he means everything to me.

J.

Friday 4 January 2013

satisfaction.

3rd day of 2013.
get dad to the airport as he's now leaving us again going back and working like a boss back in Msia. I can never understand him just mayb he's been working so many years he cant stop working for a sec (true workaholic I guess). After that went to NewMarket to get mum's present since her 51st is coming up like real soon. Got her a pair of Birkenstock and hopefully she will likes it and not being picky for once. :x Dinner at bbay shops were still closed and realize how people are trying to wok their ass off on the other days of new year. later at night...

So James asked me to join the horror marathon and I said yes with Steven and Eric. I was late as always cz of some little shit. anyway! gone to his at around 930 and i felt so bad cz they were there an hour earlier. got there and YES! first movie was The Last Exorcist. :D is what I always wanted to watch but watching with a bunch of guys is totally opposite of what I thought, -(screaming like a girl, hiding behind the blanket, covering their ears and talking through it). However, without those little sound effect they made the whole movie would b so much scarier than what I watched. After that we gone off to "The Nightmares on Elm Street" from the bromance three. James sat next to me this time apparently is cz his phone is charging. I dont know why I've a feeling that he wanted to sit next to me on purpose but I cant think of any reason other than he wants to stop the bromance between them cz they've been sitting together. From "The Nightmares on Elm Street" to "Saw - Final Chapter", to "The Uninvited" and last to "Mirror". We've been sitting on the coach together, under the same blanket and skin to skin. I just feel be loved at some point but part of me was just no. He's a brother, he's a best friend, he will never like you and he will not be yours at the end. This is kinda depressed but it's the truth. After the last movie we were all getting to sleep. Eric got his own space. dumbo Steven got his 3 seater coach. James sat with me and sleeping next to each other, it made me thought of the night before my birthday. We just slept together and nothing to care about after horror. I was planning to chill for a little but we were all just too tired to make a conversation keep going especially when after the question I answered after the new year party, -

"Would you say yes if James asks you to be his girlfriend?"

I dont get why did I say "YES" at the first place. I really dont know how does he feels after getting the answer from me. I knew he wouldnt be mine in someway, I knew our relationship is like family as we have discussed before. Just sometimes, i really thought he could b mine for a day or two or mayb till the day we die. O god, let me give up a little run away from the truth. After last night/this morning, there is this moment where I was awake and lied next to him with my head near him but my hands on his shoulder. I felt like hes awake and he thought Im asleep... He put his head on top of mine let my head put on top of his shoulder with my hands. Just that moment thought we could actually be together like that. Sitting next to each other, be quite, thinking of nothing like the time does not matter and just stay there. The thing is, time. It always ticks away just at that moment my phone rang sis called gotta get the car to service and I left without saying good bye. Just like that my moment ended.
Im satisfied with the night as I thought it would be awkward and stuff but nope I find it interesting with him. and seeing steven flew and Eric shouted like a boss. heheeeeeeeeee.
ciao.


emotions and thoughts kill.



J.